"Max, hey wait!" Jesus this was just my luck lately. I leave Therapy and immediately have to run into Sofie on my way out. "Max please I just want to talk!" Maybe if I keep my hood up and head low enough she'll think I'm listening to something. "Max," I can't help flinching away from her when she grabs my arm and I turn quickly to face her.
"Oh hey Sofie funny running into you here."
"Haha, very funny Max, now can we please talk."
"I-" I'm not sure I want to talk. I know I owe her a conversation but it's all still too raw. I mean it was only yesterday that I felt so cornered and afraid. I can't imagine letting myself fall back into this friendship so easily. I don't think I can trust her. I'll get too hurt. He'll hurt me somehow. My heart is racing and my insides feel jittery. No, I don't think I can, only I must have stopped and hesitated in my own head for too long because Sofie gently touches my arm and I'm reminded she's standing right here in front of me waiting for me to say something. "I don't think I want to talk to you right now. I don't think it's a good idea."
"Why, because of my brother? Max, please don't do this, don't put distance between us because he's a dick. I've talked to him about it and-"
"You talked to him about it, god what does that mean?" I say running a hand through my hair as I start to pace around the parking lot of our therapy clinic.
"Hey, seriously it's not a big deal, calm down and I'll-"
"Not a big deal! Do you have any idea the-"
"Hey guys, what's a, what's going on over here?" Drew says rushing over and clapping his hands together trying to be casual.
"Nothing Drew, we were just talking ok."
"Ok that's fine it just looks a little.... Um, stressful?"
"Yeah uh, I really appreciate you wanting to... talk things through, but we're cool ok, so don't worry about it," I say trying to sound collected and less shaky.
"No, we're not actually. We need to talk about yesterday because I don't want what happened to mess up what we have going on."
"Whoa, what you guys have going on?! What does that mean?"
"It means we were friends, and we're cool now ok? So we're good. But I am super sorry things got messed up and that I dragged you-"
"Dragging me into what? Ok, now I'm confused. What the hell are you talking about? Is Everything ok?" I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say. I don't think I can handle this conversation and I didn't mean to get my wording wrong and pin things back in my direction.
"I just mean that I didn't mean to cause problems- to cause stress between your brother and you. I'm sorry I did."
"Is, is that what you really meant Max?" Sofie says as she tries to put a hand on my arm and I move back not letting her. "You know you can talk to me right?" I inwardly shrivel and do my best not to show it.
"That's honestly what I meant Sofie. But I appreciate it. I just don't need to be causing problems between you and your brother. Family is..." I look for the right word and I know what it's supposed to be, it's just not that for me. I'm hit with a wave of sadness, and I try my best not to show that either. I want to say that it's everything only no matter how hard I try I can't get the word out. I can't stop wondering if Mom feels the same. So I settle on a different word quickly. "Important, family is important."
"I know, but what we have is important too. I know it meant something to you too and then you just blocked me."
"Dude," I wince and am reminded that Drew is standing beside us listening in.
"I did what I think is best and I stand by it." Sofie's face falls. Her eyes and hands curl up. She looks like she wants to cry.
"I don't believe that. You're pushing me away because you're afraid of something, but I won't let you. So go ahead and say all the hurtful things you think will protect yourself, it won't-" her voice breaks on the last word and I watch her look away. I swear I see tears. Fuck, I'm such an asshole. I hate myself so much right now. I don't want to hurt her. I just need to keep myself safe. I need to stay in control. No more yesterday, no more patterns, no more repetition. I have to stop this, all of it. I have to keep myself safe and I have to be selfish. I have to come first.
"Max?" I feel Drew touch my shoulder and I'm back in the parking lot in front of our therapy center. Except now the conversation has stopped and they are both just looking at me. "Hey, you're ok. All right."
"I know that." And I did so why were they both just watching me? What had I been doing while I was in my head? I wasn't having a panic attack. "Why, what, what was I doing?"
"Um," Drew clears his throat clearly uncomfortable and not sure how to answer me. "You just sort of..."
"Your arm is bleeding. Hold on, they probably have band-aids inside, I'll go ask." Sofie says taking off not waiting for a reply from either of us.
"Oh. I... let's go, I think I'd like to go now."
"What? You can't be," he sighs. "You can't be serious right now? You just want to take off and leave her here panicked without saying anything thing?"
"No, I just don't-"
"What happened, is everyone ok? Are you feeling like you should come back inside for a bit? Why don't you come sit? Everything will be alright, will call someone for you." Of course it's Doctor Linda who Sofie brought out. The universe hates me.
"No, I'm fine." The words come out fast and even though they're true the rush leaves them sounding uncertain. "It's just a little cut see." It's actually a few cuts, marks from my nails, and now that I have a good look at them I can see why they all look so concerned. But there's no way I'm staying here after yesterday. It's just a couple of marks. "I didn't do it on purpose, so I'm ok really." Her face scrunches up and everyone seems more uncomfortable than before. Clearly that wasn't reassuring the way I thought it would be.
"It's alright honey, things like this happen all the time. We-"
"Ok great, then thanks for the help and the band-aid," I say taking it from her. "And I'll be seeing you... next time. Uh, next time I'm here so... later this week." I don't think that tactic worked either but I can't tell what she's thinking because her face is so stoic.
"Ok," Doctor Linda says surprisingly. "You go home and get some rest and I'll see you on Thursday."
"Ok, see you Thursday." I turn and start for the car not wanting to continue talking with her or Sofie. I don't want to have to talk to Drew either but I don't think I get a say in that one. I hear Drew unlock the car behind me. I climb in and notice he's still talking with Sofie. I feel like yelling out the window at him to hurry up. I hate when people talk about me behind my back like this. Yet somehow I put myself in this position all because I'm not able to have a proper conversation with her right now. I can't watch this. Closing my eyes I keep them that way until I hear the door open and close beside me. "What did she say?"
"Not much. She's worried about you. Says she made some promise to you in her car and she's going to keep it because you two are friends. Oh and to tell you that you should stop being an ass to her because she cares about you."
"Did she actually say that last part or did you just add that in?"
"I added it in because it's true."
"Hm."
"Hm? That's it?"
"I'm not in the mood to argue with you right now and I know you're right anyway."
"If you know I'm right then I don't understand why you'd-"
"People are poison and they kill you much quicker when you willingly let them into your system."
"I don't think you really believe that. I think you want people in your life and you've just been hurt so bad you're afraid it will happen again."
"It will happen again."
Drew doesn't say anything for a minute. "Maybe, but you can't control that. Wouldn't you rather enjoy something while you have it, than never have had it because you know you might lose it one day?"
"No, I would rather never have had it."
"You know, my mom used to say something all the time to us about life. It was that all the good is worth all of the bad."
"And she left you." It's a below the belt comment and I know it.
"I know, and I still believe it. Even about her. Even though it hurts like a son of a bitch." Drew says elbowing me as we park turning his head to indicate Brit sitting in front of the door to our house. "Don't let your fear take all your possibilities to have good things to remember."
"For god's sake, what is this ambush Max day?" But even as I say it, I can't help having my lips turn up a little at the sight of her.
"See, you want the good."
"You're the worst sometimes did you know that?"
"Yeah I definitely am, but I think this time you mean you're welcome."
"Nope," I say hopping out of the car and heading to the door. "I think I meant what I said."
"A-huh, sure yeah. I'll leave you guys to talk then. By Britt, good luck."
"Hey," I say awkwardly swinging my arms at my side and clapping my hands together.
"Hey, what, what happened to your arm." Shit.
"Oh you know I just fell... into my fingernails." Why did I say that?! What does that even mean? I know I'm blushing because my face feels hot. I don't even feel better when she laughs and smiles, I just feel stupid.
"You mean you cut yourself on your nails?"
"Yeah, that's exactly what I mean."
"Painful."
"Yeah not too bad though, I'm ok," I say trying to minimize the damage.
"That's too bad, I was going to offer to kiss it better for you." God now my face is definitely red as a tomato.
"I um, that's, that's ok. But thanks for the-" she's laughing again, and this time I do smile through my embarrassment.
"Gosh Max, if I knew you were so easy to tease I would have been doing it this whole time."
"Please don't." It's quiet again but not awkward. Things are way too easy with her and it terrifies me how it's already so difficult to stay true to my plan of walking away from her.
"So how are you?"
"I'm ok."
"I heard about yesterday."
"What?" My voice goes up an octave so I cough hoping it covers it ok. "What did you hear about yesterday?"
"That Justin was a real ass to you because you made friends with Sofie." I let out a deep breath of air and hope she doesn't notice my relief.
"Oh, so a lot of people are talking about it then?"
"Yeah but I mean I wouldn't worry about it too much, people are saying you held your own pretty good even though you were cornered."
"Oh." My heart races at the thought of all of there words and lies. All of the eyes I will have to face when I go back to school tomorrow.
"Seriously Max, I wouldn't worry about it. It's just adding to your hot bad boy rep. If anything you'll just get even more girls after you at the party we're going to Friday night."
"I'm not going to a party." My reply is instant and my tone too harsh. "I'm sorry I just-"
"It's ok, I get it, you've never been to a party before, right? That's why you're nervous?" God if only she knew.
"I've been to parties they just aren't really my thing." Brit smiles softly at me again and takes my hand in hers.
"Don't worry, they won't bother you-"
"I'm not-"
"We'll have fun, especially if you've never been."
"I've-"
"Think of it as our true friendship initiation! We'll have a few drinks, dance, do something stupid we get to regret the next day." No, shit. I couldn't fold, no matter how much I wanted to go. No matter how tempting it is to go with her. I can't go back. I can't go to a party. This was a bad idea waiting to happen.
"Ok, look I get that you're trying to be nice Brit, but I'm really not interested. I'm sorry they just really aren't my thing." I need to be strong. I need to be gentle, yet firm enough that she'll believe me. More importantly, so I believe myself.
"Oh, ok. I just thought it might be kind of fun. No big deal though, we can just do something here Friday that we'll regret the next day." Brit says winking at me and then laughing at whatever shocked look I must have on my face when I freeze. "God! Max! You are really easy to tease."
"Yeah and what would you have done if I had jumped on your offer right away."
"I knew you wouldn't because you're a gentleman and my friend. Also very innocent and adorable." She says trying to pinch my cheek.
"Stop, I am not!" I say swatting her hands away.
"Not a gentleman or not my friend?" Now I'm the one that lets out a laugh.
"Ok fine that's it. I'll go with you to this party on Friday but only to prove to you that I'm super cool and awesome. Not this," I say in quotations "lame guy you obviously think I am." I'm giving myself a reason to go on purpose and pushing all my rational thoughts about staying away out of my mind and I know it. I just don't care, because in this moment, I feel a little like a sixteen-year-old kid again.
Brit's eyes soften. "I didn't mean-"
"No no, you're in for trouble now. You've never seen me at a party before."
"Max if you don't want to-"
"Of course I want to go. I was just trying to seem mature. But clearly, you think I'm no fun and anyway, I don't know how long into the week I would have made it pretending I didn't want to go. I would have caved at some point."
"Are you genuine right now? I can't tell and I don't want this to feel like another thing I just pushed you into. Especially because it's a party." She's so sweet, shit I'm staring at her again and not saying anything.
"Honestly, I just haven't been to a party in a really long time and I don't feel like a lot of people here like me. So I was feeling a little nervous. But I do want to go with you on Friday."
"Are you sure?" She doesn't look very convinced and maybe she can tell it's only a half-truth. My hands want to shake so I push them down into my pockets.
"I mean if the offer still stands to do something I'll regret with you?" This time it's me who winks at her being excited and dramatic.
"It still stands. Let's make a memory Max!" A memory, I don't know what she could have said that would have scared me more.
"Let's make a memory Brit."