My feet move on their own like they're following the lead of my heart that has been reaching for Levi. The distance closing and it's like I can feel my body relaxing, even my headache seems a little less.
"Hi," I'm so lame.
Levi's eyes take me in from head to toe before finally, his hazel eyes meet mine.
"I'm surprised to see you," he says coolly and I try not to lose my nerve at his tone, "especially with how drunk you were last night."
My eyes snap to his and I watch in stunned silence as he crosses his arms over his chest. His gaze never wavers as we stare at each other. I know what I came here to say, although the words feel like molasses in my throat as something else nags at me, demanding answers.
"You don't remember last night, do you?" Levi sighs, his arms uncrossing as he moves one hand through his hair.
"I remember the locker room," I whisper as I look down at my shoes. I still haven't been able to get the way he looked out of my head and I fear I'll see it again. I wouldn't be able to handle that.
"I'm talking about the party, Brandon." I shake my head, still not able to look at him directly. I don't know what he's talking about and I'm almost afraid to I don't want to know.
"You were at the party," I guess wondering now if that's why I disappeared from Gunner.
"I can't -"
"I'm sorry!" Levi and I both start at the same time, eyes locking again. When he opens his mouth to talk again, I hold up my hand.
"Me first, please," he nods and I take a deep breath, wanting to step closer to him, but I keep still.
"I was scared - not even was, I'm still scared," my fingers lace and unlace in front of me as I speak. I just feel too anxious to hold still.
"I had never said it out loud before this morning, you know. and you, you've always been so nonchalant about it -"
"Nonchalant? I was terrified to come out," Levi cuts me off, his arms again crossing over his chest.
"Maybe nonchalant isn't the right word," I say calmly taking another deep breath, "but I thought we were on the same page about it and suddenly you hit me out of the left-field that you came out. I mean your parents know my parents and Lucy goes to my school, knows my friends. All I could think about was it getting out before I was ready."
Levi opens his mouth to respond but again, I raise my hand, telling him without words to let me finish.
"I don't remember seeing you at the party. I don't remember talking to you after leaving the locker room. I do remember not being able to get you off my mind, so I drank. And then drank some more. Not the smartest choice, I'll admit, but," I take a small step forward, closing a small amount of the distance between us.
"I came out to my parents today. For the first time, I said the words out loud to them and - nothing happened. They weren't disappointed in me - I mean not really but that was something else entirely. And the only thing I could still think about was you.
"Instead of asking how you were or asking how your family took it, I panicked and made it about me. You bared your soul to me and instead of staying by your side, I let my fear control me." I could see tears dancing behind Levi's eyes and I take a risk, closing the distance between us. I unfold his arms from in front of him and hold his hands in mine.
"But I wasn't lying when I said I love you. I love you, Levi." He breaks eye contact first, dropping his chin to his chest.
Silence surrounds us for a minute, but I don't let go of his hands. He's my anchor, holding me steady so I don't float away and I won't let him go until he asks me too.
Finally, his gaze meets mine again. I watch his jaw tick and the tears behind his eyes finally fall. His lips roll in and he shakes his head. It's a slight movement, but enough that I see it.
"What words?" he asks simply.
"What?" I stare at him in confusion and he takes a deep breath.
"What couldn't you say out loud until this morning." my hands tighten around his in fear that he will pull away.
"They know, my parents, I told them about me," I try to keep the confusion out of my voice but I don't know if I succeeded. Levi just keeps his gaze steady on me, watching me cautiously.
"You said it to them?"
"Yes -"
"But you haven't said it since. You keep tiptoeing around it, not wanting to really confirm it," my mouth drops open to protest but before I can say anything, Levi continues pulling his hands from mine.
"I didn't mean for you to come out, Brandon. That was never my intention. I wanted to be out for me and I would have been okay with just being with you, like before, with the knowledge that you would come out when you were ready. Don't get me wrong, I'm proud of you for being honest with your parents and I haven't asked, I'm assuming with you here, it went okay but I want you to come out for you, not for me. And if you can't even say the words yet, you're not ready." Levi steps closer, his hand skimming my cheek gently before dropping to his side.
"Thank you for coming here today. I've been worrying about you since I dropped you off," my mind is racing to catch up with his words.
It sounds like a breakup and my heart refuses to believe it. But as his words register something else clicks into place. Levi found me at the party. Levi brought me home. Levi is still looking out for me even after I hurt him.
His words say breakup but his actions scream love.
I grab his wrist in my hand, pulling him so that our chests are almost touching and crash my lips to his. Levi's lips are warm and don't hesitate to move with my own, our tongues dancing to the beat of our hearts.
It doesn't matter that we are practically in front of his house with however many people inside able to see us. It doesn't matter that we are standing under the sun, in public where anyone can see.
Let them see me with Levi - let them see who we each belong to.
I pull away for air but drop my forehead to his. Levi keeps his eyes closed and I can't help but lean forward and press a soft kiss to each of his eyelids.
"Don't give up on me," I whisper between kisses, "I love you."
"Brandon," my name a tortured whisper on his lips but I don't let him finish, I don't want to hear what he has to say. Not yet anyway, so I kiss him again, swallowing his words.
"Don't say anything," I breathe when we pull apart, "Give me a chance."
Without another word, I take a step back and then another, before turning and running back to my car.
<3 <3 <3 <3