The Washington Times
CANADA ATTACKED BY ALIEN INVADERS
By Tismy Indorvoyce
WINNIPEG, CANADA - It was a perfectly ordinary day when the aliens attacked.
"It came out of nowhere," Guy MacPherson, 27, says. "I'm not sure why they chose to attack here. We're not even the capitol, eh?"
Reports say that thirty-seven flying saucers descended from the sky and hovered over the city, firing at the residents who came out to witness the sight. The number of casualties is currently unknown, but could number in the thousands.
Winnipeg is a city in Manitoba, a providence that no one outside of Canada has ever heard of. It is a perfectly ordinary city, which makes the aliens' actions even more baffling.
"Maybe they've seen Independence Day and think the Americans are more bad*** than they actually are," suggests Winnifred D'Pooh, a French-speaking woman living in Newfoundland. "I'd like to see how they fare in our 26 below winters."
In the aftermath of the invasion, speculation has run rampant as to why the aliens have targeted this particular city. The leader of the local chapter of the Church of Happyology declared to his followers that "Xena has come!" moments before being atomized by one of the spacecraft. It is speculated that his followers may make up up to 42% of the total death toll.
Meanwhile, the Pope has declared a "worldwide prayer" in the hopes that God will drive away the aliens.
Members of the QAnon conspiracy have started sacrificing pro-vaccine relatives to the aliens, blaming microchips and 5G for "bringing the aliens right to us". This has received widespread support in the US in places like Slope County, North Dakota; Manila, Utah; and Hyannis, Nebraska; and widespread condemnation by sane people everywhere else.
The Prime Minister has not said anything about his plans for the alien invasion, and there is speculation that he may not even be aware of the invasion at all.
BBC News
Canada under attack by extraterrestrials, Prime Minister says
By Sir W.C. Snootnose
The Prime Minister of Canada has declared a state of emergency after flying saucers descended from the sky on Thursday.
"It only took 'em three days," says Niles Saynman, a local resident.
The Canadian government has beseeched its allies for aid. Parliament is voting on a bill to grant them almost 100 million pounds in aid, to the chagrin of many civilians.
"They wanted independence, so it's independence we will give them," says Tory leader Tammy Bile, who ran on a platform campaigning to put the English first, to the chagrin of conservative Welsh and Scottish voters. "No more handouts!"
The US, meanwhile, offered to "tactically nuke" the alien spacecraft, which the Canadian government declined. The only countries who have offered aid are Russia, who also offered to tactically nuke the invaders in exchange for control over the Yukon Territory, and Iceland, who have sent their entire coast guard fleet to defend an inland city.
At this time, we have been unable to contact the aliens to get their perspective. A correspondent was disintegrated attempting to interview one of their ships.
FOX News
Did DEMOCRATS cause the ALIEN INVASION of CANADA?
By I.M. McTarash
There has been recent speculation in some circles that the Democrats may have known of the attack on Winnipeg beforehand.
"They do love their aliens," said Twitter user ObviouslySatire about the situation.
"The Demonrats let the aliens in to rig the 2028 election!" said American far-right presidential candidate Screwface McGee. "They're in cahoots with the invaders!"
The Democrats have vehemently denied this, but speculation abounds. When asked to provide their email history to prove that they had nothing to do with the invasion, the Democratic party declined, stating that it "should be obvious" that they had "nothing to do" with the invasion. Polls of centrist and left-wing voters have shown that only 10% believe that the Democrats had something to do with the alien invaders, but over 90% of Republicans believe otherwise.
"The statistics don't lie!" McGee said.
Internet Insanity Discord server
Butterfingers123
has anyone been in contact with CanadaMan?
VersayRose
How do you even know he's Canadian?
Butterfingers123 sent an image
[alt: a buff, bearded man in a red plaid shirt stands before a waving Canadian flag. He has an ax over his shoulder. There are captions quoting the first verse of "O Canada". End alt]
VersayRose
That'll do it.
Tarantimo
Maybe the aliens got him.
Nutjob1488 has joined the chat
Nutjob1488
THE DEMONRATS SENT THE ALIENS TO RIGH THE 2028 ELECTION IN THEY"RE FAVOR THEY WANT TI DESTORUR OUR RUGHTS!!!!!!!!!!
Butterfingers123
...alright, who let the Qultist back into the group chat
Nutjob1488
YOU THINGK IM INSANE BUT I"LL SHOW YOU!!!!! I"LL SHOW YOU ALL!!! YOULL SEE, TRUMP WILL WIN THE 2028 ELECTION AND WILL EVICT THE SATANIC JEWISH CABALL WHO ARE SECRETLY TRAFFICING CHILDREN FOR THEIR ""fOUNTIAN OF YOUTH"!!!!
Nutjob1488 has been banned by VersayRose
Tarantimo
Finally, peace and quiet.
CanadaMan has joined the chat
Tarantimo
Speak of the Devil.
How's it been up in old Canuckistan?
CanadaMan
Everything's on fire.
Tarantimo
Oh.
VersayRose
Everything alright with you? You need us to send you a care package or something?
CanadaMan
Oh, I'm fine.
I might need a lead-lined blanket if anyone has one, but besides that, I'm good.
Butterfingers123
w
what do you need a lead-lined blanket for
CanadaMan
You'll see.
CNN
Alien Invasion of Winnipeg Successfully Repelled
By Larkin Morning
Canadian officials announced this morning that the alien invasion of the city of Winnipeg has been repelled. After declining multiple offers to nuke the aliens, Canada has finally revealed why: they've had nuclear weapons all along.
"This bad boy can churn out five Tsar Bombas an hour", the operator of one nuclear plant that we spoke to, Xander Splosion, said, patting the now-empty containment chamber at his nuclear power plant in Toronto.
After politely asking the aliens to leave or be destroyed, a squadron of bombers was deployed from Newfoundland, armed with air-to-air nuclear missiles. The aliens were annihilated within less than 15 minutes.
"I hope this teaches them not to attack us next time, eh?" said Canadian Minister of Defence Lester Deimos.
Rumors that the Canadian military is harvesting the aliens' spacecraft for technology are considered unfounded.
The Globe and Mail
Canada declares war on the US, vaporizes DC with thus-unseen atomizer technology: "Not your hat anymore!"