The Staff Room of Regret
(Teachers sip tea nervously. Rengoku hums. Tengen polishes his nails. Gyomei dabs his eyes. The door suddenly SLAMS open.)
Sanemi: ALRIGHT, EVERYONE. NOBODY SAY A WORD ABOUT GENYA.
Goto: (dead inside) You just guaranteed everyone will.
Akaza: (grinning) How bad is it, Shinazugawa-sensei?
Sanemi: HE FAILED MATH AGAIN! 2 OUT OF 20! TWO!
Tengen: (dramatic gasp) Unflashy performance.
Kanae: (trying to comfort) But he did so well in Biology!
Sanemi: THAT’S THE POINT! HE MEMORIZED THE ENTIRE HUMAN NERVOUS SYSTEM! HOW DOES HE DO THAT AND STILL THINK “X² + 3X = 5” IS A CURSE SPELL?!
Rengoku: SLAMS DESK EVEN THE STRONGEST FALL TO THE DEMON CALLED ALGEBRA!
Gyomei: sniff sniff A tragic brotherly bond… full of… decimals and pain… sniff
Obanai: (coldly) You graded him yourself.
Sanemi: AND I SHOWED MERCY! (beat) Okay, fine, I deducted only five marks for handwriting.
Goto: (muttering) You’ve doomed him.
(A sudden knock. The door opens slowly… and there he is — the younger brother himself.)
Genya: (sweating) …I’m here.
(Everyone goes silent. Tension so thick you could slice it with Haganezuka’s knife collection.)
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The Confrontation
Sanemi: Sit.
Genya: (sits instantly) Yes sir— I mean— bro— I mean— sensei—
Sanemi: (glares) Wrong again.
Rengoku: booming YOUR COURAGE IS COMMENDABLE, GENYA-KUN!
Genya: (whispering) Please stop encouraging him.
Gyomei: sniff Such trembling emotion… the raw fear of kinship… sniff
Goto: (quietly) I’m taking notes for a future horror novel.
Sanemi: So, care to explain THIS? holds up paper full of wrong equations
Genya: (sweating) The numbers looked… unfriendly.
Sanemi: UNFRIENDLY?! THEY’RE NUMBERS, NOT DEMONS!
Akaza: (snickering) Bro, you yell like they owe you rent.
Sanemi: (snaps) SHUT IT, AKAZA!
Kanae: (softly) But he did get full marks in Biology!
Genya: (proudly) Yeah! I even labeled all the endocrine glands!
(Teachers murmur in surprise. Gyomei gasps, clutching his rosary.)
Gyomei: A MIRACLE OF SCIENCE AND SPIRIT!
Rengoku: fire blazing in his eyes TRULY, A REDEMPTION ARC WORTHY OF PRAISE!
(And then—from the hallway—)
Sanemi: (shouting from earlier memory) “WHY CAN’T YOU DO MATH LIKE THAT, YOU MATHLESS POTATO?!”
Tengen: (wheezing) OH, HE ACTUALLY SAID IT AGAIN!
Goto: (deadpan) This staff room needs soundproof walls.
---
Teacher Feedback Time
Akaza: (smirks) Physics — good understanding, strong logic. Might punch the calculator, but he gets force.
Obanai: Chemistry — precise. Doesn’t explode things. Acceptable.
Kanae: Biology — star student! (beams) I’d make him my assistant if I could!
Rengoku: History — PASSIONATE! His essay about the Warring States almost made me cry!
Tengen: Arts — questionable color sense, but his shading? Flashy!
Kyogai: Music — offbeat, but has rhythm in spirit.
Haganezuka: Home Ec — stabbed the fabric twice but didn’t bleed. Improvement.
Goto: English — wrote an entire essay on “Why Math Should Be Outlawed.” Spelling perfect. Emotion: 10/10.
(Laughter spreads. Sanemi’s vein twitches.)
Sanemi: (muttering) You’re all enjoying this too much.
Tomioka: (quietly) I didn’t laugh.
Tengen: That’s because you never laugh, bro.
Tomioka: (stares blankly) Correct.
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The Family-Turned-Faculty Breakdown
Sanemi: (slams paper) GENYA. YOU’RE GROUNDED UNTIL YOU CAN SOLVE THIS EQUATION.
Genya: (sweating) How long’s that gonna take—
Sanemi: YEARS IF YOU KEEP ASKING QUESTIONS!
Gyomei: sniff sniff Brotherly affection… expressed through volume… sniff
Rengoku: THE FLAMES OF LOVE BURN BRIGHT IN THEIR HOUSEHOLD!
Kanae: (smiling) Or just burn.
Akaza: (grinning) I’d pay to see that tutoring session live.
Goto: (groaning) We’d have to evacuate the school.
Tengen: (laughing) BROTHERHOOD, BUT MAKE IT FLASHY!
(Sanemi takes a deep breath… and to everyone’s shock, softens.)
Sanemi: …You did good in the other subjects, kid. Don’t get cocky, though.
Genya: (eyes wide) W-wait… did you just— compliment me?
Sanemi: (gritting teeth) It was an academic acknowledgment, not a compliment.
Rengoku: SLAMS DESK THAT’S STILL PROGRESS!
Gyomei: bawls SUCH GROWTH… SUCH FRATERNAL LOVE…!
Kanae: (gently) You should be proud, Shinazugawa-sensei.
Sanemi: (grumbles) Yeah, yeah. If he fails next time, I’m moving to another school.
(Genya smiles quietly. The teachers exchange warm glances — until—)
Goto: (checking next appointment) Uh… Mrs. Kocho’s coming next…
(Everyone freezes. Akaza actually drops his pen. Rengoku looks terrified. Sanemi groans audibly.)
Tengen: FLASH WARNING: THE KOCHO SISTERS ARE NEXT.
(Kyogai’s drum sounds in the background: “DOKO DOKO DOOM.”)
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YOU ARE READING
KIMETSU ACADEMY
Humorthis contains made up variations of Kimetsu Gakeun. Filled with High school chaos that will send you rolling on the floor. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK OR YOU MIGHT DIE FROM LAUGHING TOO HARD!!!
